Eternal Circle
by Bride of the Vile Faerie
Summary: Uhm, after the fourth tape. (I only ever got the English dub, forgive me.) Koji's farewell letter. No no no! He's not dying! But, ya know. MAJOR spoilers. AND IT'S NOT SMUT!?? *looks disgusted*


All right. Now, I loooooove Generator Gawl. Love it to bits and pieces. I recently got tapes 2, 3, & 4, and I LOOOOOOVE all that, too. The eleventh episode is the most wonderfully fucked up thing I have ever seen. The only thing that really bugs me is the ending. I mean, it REALLY bugs me. More than Masami. So, I'm going into a long, detailed, and somewhat repetitive time-space continuum theory. This is only really related to Generator Gawl because that's what inspired it. But, for the sake of having this posted and keeping my Fanfiction.net account, I'll pretend these are Koji's musings. Just because I love Koji. I did a good drawing of him today... Anyway... 

Okay...uhhh...change of plan... Koji's farewell letter. DEFINATE spoilers. La la la...

* * *

The only problem I really see with the mission's success is that it's not possible. It defies all reason... I mean, look. We came from the future. We came to the past to alter it. The apparent success has me worried. It only means there's another way it could all be destroyed.

Look, I met Kanou, who is supposedly myself, aged eight years. He was only there because I had traveled into the past. It altered all history so that he was there when I came to 2007. This is an obvious example of time travel's effect. If I had succeeded, truly succeeded in my mission, he would not exist. I would have saved Gawl and never have been flung back through the time portal.

So, my thoughts. Have I succeeded? The only conclusion I can come to is that, no, I have not. I could not have. I still exist. Kanou still exists. He must still be around somewhere. And Nakasa too...the future Ryo. So, if they exist, that means we must have gone back in time to become them. We're still here. If we had succeeded, and not have had to gone back, and recreated the world to the way we wanted, Nakasa and Kanou would not exist. The entire process of the include cells and _everything_ would never have happened. We could not exist. Nakasa and Kanou could never be our future selves if we never existed in the first place.

So, if we had succeeded, we should have vanished- ceased to exist absolutely. But if we had really done what we came to do, and consequently vanished, Nakasa and Kanou wouldn't be here. What have we done wrong?

So, I sit here and I think of this. Everything we've done has lead to the destruction of the world and to our birth. The history books were wrong. 

Say, the world has been destroyed and then been rebuilt. We were born and turned into Generators. We found the research on Tekuma Nakasa, went back in time and went on our mission. Two things could happen.

One: We fail. The world is destroyed anyway. We fail and the entire cycle starts again. We are born and turned into Generators. We find the research on Tekuma Nakasa, and we go back in time to try to change what happened. We fail. The world is destroyed anyway. The entire cycle starts again. And on and on into eternity and infinity, born a million times, dying a million of the same deaths.

Two: We succeed. We stop the include cells from ever being discovered. We stop the war. This has apparently happened. We alter every single event after this. This means we are never made. We don't exist. Nekasa and Kanou would never have existed. The beautiful paradox: We never went on the mission. Just think. We win. This would mean we never existed to go back into the past. If we don't exist, and couldn't go into the past, how did we change everything? Then, we could never have prevented anything. The war, the creation of Generator soldiers, nothing. That would mean that our creation would be successful, without our sabotage from the past. And then... Then, we are made, find the research on Auge and Tekuma Nakasa, and go back into the past to undo what we have done. We succeed. We alter every single event after this. That means we are never made. We never went on the mission, and couldn't possibly have prevented the war or our creation. Therefore we can go back and change the past. If we change the past, we are never created. We _can't_ go back and change the past.

Number two just doesn't work. It is absolutely impossible. It would require time as we consciously experience it to go on two different tracks. It would tear the universe apart. Everything would be chaos. Nothing would exist at all. Seeing as I am very much here at the moment, there's only one answer.

We failed. The others still think we've won and everything will be all right. So...no war! Yippee. It can't happen. It's not possible. We've failed. I don't know how... I know all the books say 2007... Maybe they're wrong. Altered to keep us going round in this hellish circle into forever. Maybe the war did something to all the equipment and people.

The war is the only thing we knew of that could've destroyed the world. And? Well. It hasn't. What does this mean? It means that there never was a war in 2007. There won't be one now, and there wasn't one before our future. Something happened, and I'm not sure what, but it had to be wrong to keep the fabric of time together. It had to be wrong so that we couldn't win.

I think I knew earlier. I think I knew we didn't have a chance. But it had to happen, or else the cycle would have never started, and we wouldn't have existed anyway. I wanted more time. I could have had all the time in the world if I hadn't come back. I could be someone else, be blissfully unaware of this cruel torture. I wouldn't exist. I would never have gone back. And I would never have been created. I would never be doomed to this...

So how else can everything be destroyed? I don't know. I don't want to know. I thought of ending it all... But I know I can't. Because then Kanou wouldn't exist. If I tried I wouldn't be able to. I don't know how, but I'm going to be thrown back somehow, become Kanou. I don't want to. I don't want to relive my destruction of the world over and over and over. But I have to. I wouldn't be here. This is hell. This can't be my life. What did I do when I was alive to deserve this?

And I know Kanou is _still_... still out there somewhere. How did he ever survive? And the answer, the answer is so clear.

I am Kanou. I know that I have to be Kanou for this to work. I can't end it, or I'll destroy everything. At least... At least in the future that I know... At least there is some life. At least for a while after I'm made, I'll be blissfully ignorant of everything. Everything that I'll do, and cause, and hate afterwards.

But I can't stop being Kanou. I have to be. Because then... Then everything would change. And it can't, because it would effect the future, where I come from. I have to go back, and survive, so that I can continue the cycle.

Oh god I hate it... But I'll do it. I'll only remember it once. And then there'll be a new Koji to come back, and I'll just remember what Kanou... What I told Koji, and I'll have to say it again. I bet I won't really recognize Ryo. I'll just remember that he's Nekasa from being Koji.

But that's not it anymore. I don't want it to continue. But we can't stop it. It's some horrible cosmic joke, designed to keep us going on and on forever and ever. We can't stop it. We can't...

So, I'm going back. I'm jumping back eight years to keep it going. Ryo, I suggest you jump back your subsequent 20 years. I'm sorry you're destined to such a hellish, half existence. I can't do anything about it. None of us can. Gawl, you're not supposed to exist anymore, now that you've finished your mission. Actually, I'm not entirely sure. I would think that the best thing to do would be to get rid of yourself. But if you don't, whether you stay or go back into the past or... Anything. It doesn't matter. You'll still never win. The mission will fail, and we'll be created anyway and millions will die. Trying to change it doomed us. We just brought it about. But it's be happening forever and it will be happening forever more, stretching on and back into oblivion, further... A circle has no beginning...and no ending.

And don't bother pointing it out when we see each other later, as I know at least Ryo and I will. I know that me going back is just going to keep the cycle going. But I can't stop it. It won't work if I try to. Don't you see? It goes on. It goes on forever and ever and ever...

Goodbye. I'll see you when we're destined to meet.


End file.
